When i think about my relationships, I often make it a clear point that my partners reacted to me, and i tend to not have much patience, short temper, lack compromise… etc. i focus generally on how our incompatibility comes from the difficulty it is to deal with me…. and sure enough, people often say “don’t beat yourself up so much” and “well it takes 2 to tango….”
the thing with that concept is that i’m not actually beating myself up for it. I like how i am, and while i wish i had a bit more patience… i don’t regret how i don’t compromise and… well that’s another topic for another day. but my point is, i don’t actually feel it’s all my fault. HOWEVER, there’s a very practical reason i feel responsible for how things turn out.
i demand that my partners just subdue and follow me. With friendships, and most casual interactions, i’m more easy going…. but in all my relationships, i basically needed my partners to obey me, follow me, and put their faith/trust in letting me lead every aspect of our life. i’m disciplined in my own life/heart… and expect the person living with me to follow me the same way. My partners, while often independent and strong on their own… for some way or another…. left their trust in my hands…. and with that responsibility as the leader….. entrusted with our future…. it sits on MY shoulders when things fail.
yes, they chose to stay, yes they sometimes argued and we had problems, yes i often yelled, and didn’t handle things right… those are all VERY different topics. i’m addressing the concept simply of… if someone is entrusted to lead… and things don’t go well… guess who’s fault it is? the leader’s. that’s it. it’s that simple.
so no, i’m not beaten myself up… nor do i actually think i was the sole person that was fucking up stuff. but i do acknowledge and respect… my ex(s) gave in and submitted their faith/trust to me… sometimes blindly. and it didn’t work out well. so when i say i failed to lead us properly…. no i’m not saying i’m a bad partner… i’m just respecting that they gave in to our love and life we agreed… and things didn’t turn out right. the weight of where we went, sat on my shoulders and i chose that path.