Start Wearing Purple for me… NOW!

This is about fetishes/kinks.  Back in my early 20s, i was a cheater.  it took a long time for me to come out of that mentality and learn my lessons on how to handle a relationship… but that’s another story.   I was married…. and dating this girl in Hiroshima.

She was really lonely and wanted attention. I was cheating. And was feeling guilty about what I was doing. So she showed up at my place dressed like my wife. And put on a wig like hers (my ex wore colored funky wigs all the time then). I asked what she was doing. She said if I’ll go through with cheating she’ll do whatever it takes to remind me of my wife. … she kept saying how lonely she is and wants to have companionship. I was turned on. Not by her… exactly….but the concept of someone exposed…… so vulnerable. seeing someone open up and so desperate for something.  The whole night I kept just telling her what to do and ordering her around.

Ever since then, it’s been some derivative of a broken person that gets me excited.  obviously that’s not healthy and toxic.  It’s probably why I always gravitated towards broken women for relationships.  It’s also why, after my last divorce, which was the healthiest… or closest to it… loving relationship i ever had… and even that broke down…. i don’t think i can put anyone else through such a torment for a long time.  it’s not that i don’t want companionship… it’s that when i’m in a situation where someone is FULLY exposed to me….when i feel i have complete control of the other person….  that’s when i tear the walls down, bring the house down around me… and i’m standing there with an erection and a smile.  just like i learned to stop cheating as it destroys lives…. i must stop being a part of this vicious cycle that contributes to torment.

I realize i’m not always to blame for someone being broken…. but i shouldn’t actively walk into someone’s personal hell… and poke them more and see that as  “foreplay”.

when i date people casually, friends, have some distance, its easier.  when i look back at my ex… i can easily see how me and her had issues, and i can rationally think about how to address problems… talk about them peacefully… in a healthy manner… think clearly about what SHE needs…. but put me in a locked room with her… for years…. and she starts crying and i’m getting turned on.   Yeah that’s messed up, and i need to just avoid the whole situation and focus on living my own healthy life…. by the way… that’s called Dacryphilia.  being turned on by people crying.

but….. now how to get someone to start wearing purple….

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