Abuse and the Beast…..

I’ve had some abusive relationships… hell… even my family was abusive.  I’ve had anger management issues, physical abuse control issues, mental…. and i’ve had partners that abuse me too.  just some nasty, horrible, turbulent relationships.  oddly my friendships are generally healthier… but that’s not the point.  it takes 2 to have a relationship, but the point of this isn’t what my past relationships were like…. as much as it pains me sometimes to think about what my ex wife and i put each other through…. i’m sure it torments and haunts her too…. but again, while we both are sorry and deep down love each other… the point of this isn’t about the actual instances or feelings….

it’s more about what we fail to do when we abuse each other.

See, you can hit someone, cut them, yell at them, take cheap shots, neglect them, cheat on them…. and sure, these things hurt…. but what REALLY hurts.. isn’t the action.  if you are in love… you forgive.  it’s actually pretty easy to forgive any isolated thing that happens.

But when we do these things… when we act out…. whether it’s justified or not… what we are really doing, is losing ourselves to this beast/addiction we have inside us… and failing to protect our partners from this ….. “evil” us.

when you truly open up to someone and build a life together, and are bonded… we all have very destructive sides to us. there are demons in all of us.  it comes out in different ways… but they are there.  When you love someone… you make a promise, 24 hours a day…. to PROTECT them from that demon. from that beast inside ourselves.

and when we lose control…. it makes the other person realize…. we aren’t capable of protecting them anymore.

when we lose control and get drunk, hit each other, cheat on each other, lie, yell, insult, ridicule, curse, put each other down… when we are the shittiest person of ourselves… that’s the demon coming out and saying “me me me, i matter, you don’t”  and we LET that beast take over and unleash carnage… when our VERY promise and reason for existence is to NEVER let that beast out. we are REQUIRED to stand guard, and not let that beast out to ravage our loved ones in the room….. failing on our duty… shows we can no longer be trusted.

i always say, a relationship, is like two people getting into a cage… with a tiger.  by what i’m saying here… basically one person gets out of the cage, says “bye, felicia”… and lets the other deal with the tiger alone.

when you come back in…. you can’t expect to be all loved and cherished.  if anything they might be happy you came back as they are scared…. but you’ve just basically told them…. “i’m not gonna be able to help you through surviving this beast. you’re on your own”.


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